The Medical Factory Without a Name
Healthcare-Adjacent Revenue Optimization Since 2018
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Detroit-Area Health System Completes Fifteenth Merger, Rebrands as “The Medical Factory Without a Name”
New ownership promises “streamlined patient processing” and “industry-leading liability avoidance”
SOMEWHERE IN MICHIGAN — The health system formerly known as Blokewood, then Medical Mountain, then Boervell, then a series of increasingly forgettable names, announced today that it has completed yet another merger and will henceforth be known as The Medical Factory Without a Name (MFWN).
“We found that every time we had a name, people kept associating it with things like ‘patient outcomes’ and ‘physician concerns,'” said a spokesperson. “By eliminating our name entirely, we’ve eliminated accountability. It’s really a win-win, except for patients, but they’re not shareholders.”
The acquisition was financed by an international investment consortium whose members prefer to remain anonymous for “tax purposes and also other purposes.”
New Leadership Announced
Chief Executive Officer: A private equity algorithm that has never seen a patient but has seen a spreadsheet
Chief Medical Officer: A physician who hasn’t touched a patient since his residency but remains very concerned about protocol
Chief Financial Officer: Three venture capitalists in a trench coat
Chief Experience Officer: An AI chatbot that responds to all patient complaints with “We value your feedback. Let’s talk tomorrow.”
A Message from Leadership
“At The Medical Factory Without a Name, we believe healthcare is too important to be left to doctors. That’s why we’ve implemented industry-leading policies that ensure no nurse will ever have to make a medical decision again. Or any decision. Decisions are a liability.”
— CEO, in a statement issued by the CFO and approved by legal
When asked about the recent departure of several long-tenured physicians, the Chief Medical Officer released the following statement:
“Per policy, I cannot comment on personnel matters. I can only comment on policy. Our policy is to have policies. We feel very strongly about this. Sorry.”
The CEO added: “We’re aware some physicians have expressed concerns. We look forward to scheduling a meeting to discuss those concerns at a future date. Possibly tomorrow. Or the tomorrow after that.”
Patient Care Updates
Under new management, The Medical Factory Without a Name will implement several exciting changes:
- Consent forms will now be required for all procedures, including being looked at by a physician, being thought about by a physician, and breathing in a way that could be construed as accepting treatment
- Blood transfusions will require approval from the patient, the patient’s estranged family, and their friends down at the gas station
- Patients lacking decision-making capacity will be assessed by whichever psychiatrist the CMO finds most agreeable, ensuring that all patients are deemed competent to refuse care they desperately need
- Physicians who disagree with administrative decisions will be offered counseling, a meeting tomorrow, and a lovely severance package in exchange for signing a document they’re not allowed to read
Community Commitment
“We remain committed to this diverse community. All patients—regardless of race, religion, or creed—will receive the same level of administratively-approved, liability-minimized, policy-compliant care. Which is to say, they will all be processed equally.”
When asked what “processed” means, the spokesperson replied: “That’s a great question. Let’s talk tomorrow.”
Looking Ahead
The Medical Factory Without a Name anticipates another merger within 18-24 months, at which point it will rebrand as An Unnamed Healthcare-Adjacent Revenue Optimization Center or possibly just a QR code that links to a form.
“The future of medicine isn’t medicine. It’s documentation. And we’ve never been more documented.”
— CEO
The Medical Factory Without a Name
We’re Not a Hospital. Not Tonight. Not Ever Again.™
For media inquiries, please submit a written request, which will be reviewed tomorrow.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Oskar Rausch spent twenty-three years as a healthcare litigator in the United States, representing hospitals, physicians, and the occasional patient who could afford him. In 2024, after deposing his 500th hospital administrator who couldn’t recall whether patients were people or “billable encounters,” he sold his practice, moved to Oaxaca, Mexico, and now receives all his medical care from a system that—despite its flaws—still believes doctors should be allowed to practice medicine. He lives with two rescue dogs and a deep appreciation for physicians who haven’t been broken by spreadsheets.
He can be reached mañana.
DISCLAIMER: This is a work of satirical fiction. “The Medical Factory Without a Name,” its executives, and all events described herein are entirely fictional. Any resemblance to actual healthcare systems, living or dead administrators, or real institutional policies that prioritize liability over patient care is purely coincidental and almost certainly not actionable. Probably. Let’s talk tomorrow.
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